Memories

I want to keep them!

Where have they gone? 

Some memories are better forgotten.  Other memories you want to hang on to.  All things considered,  I would rather have memories, even it means I must have both of those types.  Memories can bring great joy, like the ones I remember of sitting on the porch swing with my grandma "Meme" and watching the sun sets, or at about age 5 the faint memory of sitting on the edge of the bed with my other grandma with her arm around me.  I don't remember if we were talking but I clearly remember the feeling of being loved. I can still see that room, even where the bed was located in the room.  

A couple of nights ago as I was getting into bed my back itched and I asked my wife if she would scratch my back.  I lifted my T-shirt and she gave my back some great itch relief.  As she was doing that I said, did you know I have a numb place on my stomach?  She said, That's probably from when you had your appendix removed.   What? I had my appendix removed.  She told me the story of the Christmas when I got sick a day or two before Christmas and she took me to urgent care and from there I was transported by ambulance to the hospital where they took out my appendix, and that I was released from the hospital and we were able to have our family Christmas celebration on time.  My immediate thought was "She must be making that up, I have no recollection of any part of what she just said, how could I not remember something like that?"  The next morning I texted both of our daughters to see if they remembered such an event....they both did! My reaction might have been "Damn, what's going on in my head?"  But I wasn't really surprised.  

In the summer of 2020 I had a seizure, the first one I had what what I can only describe as talking and even walking around the room, but at the same time not being aware of anything at all.  We attributed it to perhaps I had a heat stroke or something. I had just come in from some heavy work in my flower beds on a typical very hot humid day here in Indiana.  I do remember thinking I wanted to go inside to get a drink of cold icewater.  

A couple of months later another "event".  My wife and I were sitting at our computers in the office.  My wife told me later. "you were sitting in your chair, spun around and vomited on the floor, then I cleaned up the mess and we went back to our computers.  That evening she asked me,  "how are you feeling now".  "I feel fine, why?"  She told me she was just concerned because I had thrown up that afternoon.  I looked at her like she was nuts, told her I didn't know what she was talking about,  then I got up and looked in the waste basket for dirty paper towels. CRAP...THERE THEY WERE.  WTF IS WRONG WITH ME? 

The rest of the year passed with nothing unusual happening. Then came March 16th. Just an ordinary day.  We finished dinner and I picked up my plate and carried it to the kitchen thinking to myself I was going to find something for dessert.  my wife heard a loud crash and called out asking if I was all right.  I did not respond.  She found me laying on the floor in the pantry, unconscious, she talked to me, and then touched my leg and she said my whole body stiffened when she touched me. She called 911 and soon the fire department arrived. I am told, but do not remember that the firefighters helped me up off the floor and walked me to the dinning room and were talking to me.  I have no memory of any of that. Then the Ambulance arrived and they helped me onto the cot and wheeled me down to the street and hoisted me into the back of the truck.  I do have a sort of hazy recollection of the feeling of being lifted up and I recall that the medic kept talking to me, asking questions all the way to the hospital and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.  As they were unloading me things were clearing up in my head and I remember being wheeled into the ER and of the events that happened there.   I had a cat scan which showed no stroke so they sent me home and did not make a specific diagnosis, just an unexplained loss of consciousness. 

I followed up with a visit to the family doctor and he referred  me to a neurologist.  After 4 or 5 EEG tests, including one where I was wired up for a whole weekend the neurologist explained that I was having seizures of the type called "complex partial seizure or sometimes called focal onset impaired awareness seizures.  Epilepsy, who saw that coming at age 70? 

I believe, though it has not been confirmed by my neurologist, that my loss of some memories is related to the seizure issue.  At any rate I am much more conscious of my memories than I once was.  I'm also more afraid of losing more of my memories.  The bottom line is what I said before,  I'd rather have memories, even if all of them are not roses and rainbows.