IT TAKES A WHILE TO FIGURE THINGS OUT

I've been thinking. Yes, I know that can be dangerous but sometimes it can also be enlightening. I've never been able to put into words what I do with a camera. Why do I take the kind of pictures that I take. What draws my attention toward a subject or scene? Why haven't I thought deeply about those questions? Maybe I lack the ability for introspection. Simply said, I have always done what I do, and I am either happy or sad with the result. I usually didn't give a lot of thought to why I was happy or unhappy with the results. I've not always given much thought about the way I approach photography. I do know that my feelings about the kinds of subjects I like to shoot and the way I approach those subjects have evolved and my photographs have taken on a different flavor over the last 20 years. The other day I was reading an article about photography, and it addressed some of these very same questions. One section of the article stood out. It said, "a photograph becomes a self-portrait, a reflection of our emotions, thoughts, interests, and moods at that particular moment". I guess what I had been missing was just that description of what and why I take the pictures that I take and What my photographs say about me. Of course, on one level I knew that, but my true understanding had been shallow. Maybe I hadn't really connected with that idea because I didn't think much about it. That may be the reason I had trouble describing my feelings about my relationship to my art. Had I simply looked I would have seen the connections. The article clearly described that relationship. Perhaps what I found most striking was the idea that each photo, regardless of the obvious subject is also a self-portrait, a reflection of my emotions, thoughts, interests, and moods. American photographer Richard Avedon said this about his relationship to his work. “I speak through my photographs more intricately, more deeply than with words.” Photography allows me to express myself, and to be myself. I love being able to look at something and then to create an image that looks nothing like what others saw, or sometimes don't see at all. It can have more focus or less focus, I can shoot it from different angles and in different light. I can create images with more color or less color or maybe no color which removes the distractions that color can cause. Black and white can make a scene more dramatic, more mysterious and it can also make an image less "in your face". All those options, and more allow me to alter the emotions that the image can create. I can better make the image a reflection of what I am feeling. If nothing else, photography satisfies my need to create. So, what are the things I like to photograph? Things that interest my eye and drawn to are things like the interplay between light and shadow, the texture and shape of an object or scene, and surprising or interesting elements on otherwise mundane surfaces or are parts of an ordinary scene. I often say that if I am walking down the street with a friend, he may be admiring a beautiful building but what I am seeing are the "parts" of that scene, the shadows, the color, texture, shapes, and details or maybe even the flaws. When I can capture those things, either individually or as part of the whole and present them in an interesting way then the viewer will begin to get a sense of what's going on in my head. I have heard it said that your style is your invisible signature. Done right and done with truth you give a viewer a peek inside your head and your heart. It’s a glimpse of the way we view the world through our eyes. How do you come to have "a style" of your own. Is it something you are born with or is it something you discover and if it is something you discover is that just accidental or did you work to discover it? While "style" has some elements that are innate I believe there is also an element of discovery but that takes work and time to see. So, what's involved in that discovery process. It is simple. You shoot, shoot and shoot some more. You take thousands of pictures over a period of time. Sometimes you figure out quickly what interests, inspires, or gives you joy to create, sometimes, like me, it takes longer. The more I shot the more often I shot the more I discovered the results I could feel in my heart. I've experimented a lot, I've looked at the things others have created and I’ve talked to other photographers. Those things made me feel comfortable with my results. When I have allowed myself to feel a scene, or an object rather than just seeing it I believe that is when I most often allow a peek of my thoughts, my emotions, and my heart. There was a time when I wasn't sure that such a connection existed between my mind and the lens. In some ways I was a little afraid that there is, knowing that such a connection would leave me emotionally exposed. I think that is probably true of most people. With art you can't fake that connection between the image and the mind that creates that image. Some emotional involvement is necessary to create an image that conveys enough emotion to be worth something. Emotion in, emotion out. That's how you connect with your viewers. You must allow yourself to fail.... failure is an important part of learning. You experiment and if it doesn't work you try something different but don't beat yourself up because it didn't work. Photographs not only hold information, but they hold memories, and they tell stories. I have built a huge library of memories and stories that I hold close to my heart. Photos are my way of telling my story. What has 25 years of photography taught me? It taught me to notice color, texture, shapes, and light in a way most people don't. It taught me that an ordinary object can become beautiful if photographed in a creative way. It taught me that it is ok to put a little of myself into each photo. An fun but unrelated bit of trivia The origin of the word photography: photo is related to light. graph is to draw Thus, to photograph means to draw with light.

                               In the dark shadows of my mind

                         Caution: Side Effects

Side effects.  You hear those two words often.  They are almost always described in relation to an unexpected or adverse effect caused by medication.  It is also used on occasion to describe any action that results in an adverse and surprising way even when the action was done for totally unrelated reasons and a totally different result had been expected.  

Let me provide an example of the use of the words when not related to medicine.  One  example might go something like this.  If we elect Donald Trump  to a second term as President and a few months later he declares himself as "president for life" and then he bombs SanFrancisco because it is "too liberal" to suit him.  That would be an unexpected event of electing someone who is an ego maniac after we had believed him to be the best thing since sliced bread.    

Now back to the medical definition because the prior example is too frightening to dwell on. 

The usual way in which those two words are described is this:  "Side effects", also sometimes called adverse reactions. Those reaction are unwanted and undesirable effects that are related to use of a drug. Side effects can vary from minor problems like a runny nose to life-threatening events, such as a heart attack, dangerous allergic reaction, liver damage, or other serious results after taking the drug.   You might wonder why I bring up side effects now.  The reason is quite personal but a great example of adverse effects from a drug. It is a drug that I am taking so my personal experience with "side effects are good examples of just what can happen.   In the beginning the drug did exactly what it was created for.  It improved my life in the exact way that the drug was created for.  I admit that even then there were side effects but they were actually very good but unexpected and from the doctor "Yes, that is a possible but a rare side effect."   As time wore on those positive effects turned into something else, in fact almost the opposite of how I reacted to the drug in the beginning.  It is possible that the change was due to the fact that my dose of the drug increased gradually over a several month period.   

I should probably explain the reason I was given the drug in the first place.  In 2020 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, much to my surprise.  The seizures I had are called Complex Partial Seizures.  At first I was given one of the standard drugs used to treat epilepsy and while it reduced the number of seizures it did not eliminate them all and it caused me to suffer mild depression.  Back to the doctor I went.  She and I had a conversation about the results I was getting and she then provided a prescription for a new drug and that one hit the jackpot.  It eliminated the seizures and at the same time it made me more energetic, enthusiastic, alert and upbeat.  I felt like I could concur the world. Suddenly I could sleep less and still not feel tired.  I became an early riser, something I had not been for a long time.  I didn't feel as if I needed a nap every afternoon.  

The drug came with a big warning, it had been identified as one that could come with some very dangerous side effects, the most serious being a deadly allergic reaction.  For that reason they start everyone with small doses while you remain on the first prescribed medicine and then the dose of the new drug is gradually increased over a six month period and once you are at the full dose you start decreasing the amount of the first drug. The reason for that step ladder type approach is to  make sure you don't show any allergy symptoms. 

So that brings us to today and the side effects I'm having now.  The very positive side effects I had 4, 5, and 6 months ago gradually went away at each of those minor increases in the dose.  Still I'm so happy that it has worked perfectly at preventing seizures.  When I went to the final step of the dose increase I quickly started feeling a rapid lessening of those good effects that I had felt in the beginning and then those effects turned around and went in the opposite direction.  

My moods changed.  I'm no expert on depression since I never really experienced it in the past other than as something very mild.  I honestly don't know if these feelings and some other  issues I have now would be classified as depression or something else entirely.  Some of the feelings are so new to me that I can't even describe them adequately.   One thing is that my emotions have changed in a big way. A very new feeling for me.  I can go from feeling quite "normal" to being in tears quite quickly at even a little bit of something that makes me sad.  

In my life before epilepsy there were, of course, things that would make me feel sad.  I'm  certain that's true for everyone and the reaction to such things or events comes on a sort of broad scale, in other words it was along way from happy to sad and then another long way from simply sad to tears. Now it seems the length of that scale is much shorter for me.  Nearly everything in the middle that was holding those two extremes apart is gone, I fear it's much like our politics today.  My dear wife has had to deal with depression several times in her life and I sure understand what she was going through much more clearly now than I did before.  I was certainly not as sympathetic as I needed to be.      

I believe this "thing" is caused in some way by the new medicine and not a direct result of only the epilepsy.  I believe that if it is simply a side effect of the drug then certainly the doctor can make adjustments in strength and fix this...whatever "this" is.  If if it is something that goes along with the condition I guess that might be much more difficult to fix. I hope to find answers to these and other questions at my next appointment in about 2 weeks.  

I know humans can actually benefit from some adversity and change.  We are good at adapting, otherwise our species would never have lasted as long as it has.  For me personally this side effect caused change is one that I'm fond of.  But I will adapt and carry on. 

 

I won't bore you with a long list of my personal health problems, suffice to say my physical condition and mental condition have not been in good shape for quite a long time. The same applies to my wife of 53 years.  I knew we had to do something, to get a handle on all of these issues.  I started at a local gym. That might sound like an odd place to start for medical and mental issues but so far it is doing what I hoped it might do.  We joined said gym in Mid December.  I knew that if it was going to do us any good we had to make it a regular part of our routines and so far we have done that.  

I have gotten to the point in my life that I don't really enjoy getting outside during cold damp weather so I had gotten into the habit of staying inside, sitting on my butt in front of the computer for most of the day.  In short, that's not a good thing and will eventually lead to bad things, and it has.  

I think everyone understands that exercise has some very important physical benefits for your overall health.  Most often, if asked,  people will identify the following benefits to staying active.  Maybe the most obvious would be an increase in muscular, heart, and breathing fitness. Others that are often mentioned  would be that it will help maintain a healthy body weight.   

Equally important benefits are that exercise will reduce the risk of hypertension, stroke, diabetes and even some types of cancer also  It will help reduce the risk of falls and improve bone strength and prevents further loss of bone density and that  reduces the risk of fractures.  

Those are all great reasons to stay active throughout life.  As a quick side note to those readers who are not seniors....it is probably a lot easier to stay active through life rather than trying to "catch up" at age 70.  Another important benefit of staying active often mentioned are the improvements in both mental and emotional health.  Physical exercise/activity has been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression and improve sleep quality.  For myself one of the most surprising benefits of exercise is that it can preserve cognitive function and has been identified as lowering the risk of dementia and can even slow the progression of Alzheimer's .  Now I ask, who wouldn't want that sort of protection.  

When you roll all of those benefits together you have given yourself a much better chance to lengthen your ability to maintain an independent lifestyle. More good news.  

As for me during the past month I know it has improved my self-esteem and I have been able to improve my activity a little bit each visit.  It has taken me a lot of years to get into the condition I find myself in now and I know it will take a while to work myself back to better health, both physical and mental. I realize I won't feel like I'm 18 ever again, but I'd happily settle for the above mentioned benefits.  I'm not certain if this is true for everyone but the feeling you get from a workout actually make you want to go back again.