In the dark shadows of my mind

                         Caution: Side Effects

Side effects.  You hear those two words often.  They are almost always described in relation to an unexpected or adverse effect caused by medication.  It is also used on occasion to describe any action that results in an adverse and surprising way even when the action was done for totally unrelated reasons and a totally different result had been expected.  

Let me provide an example of the use of the words when not related to medicine.  One  example might go something like this.  If we elect Donald Trump  to a second term as President and a few months later he declares himself as "president for life" and then he bombs SanFrancisco because it is "too liberal" to suit him.  That would be an unexpected event of electing someone who is an ego maniac after we had believed him to be the best thing since sliced bread.    

Now back to the medical definition because the prior example is too frightening to dwell on. 

The usual way in which those two words are described is this:  "Side effects", also sometimes called adverse reactions. Those reaction are unwanted and undesirable effects that are related to use of a drug. Side effects can vary from minor problems like a runny nose to life-threatening events, such as a heart attack, dangerous allergic reaction, liver damage, or other serious results after taking the drug.   You might wonder why I bring up side effects now.  The reason is quite personal but a great example of adverse effects from a drug. It is a drug that I am taking so my personal experience with "side effects are good examples of just what can happen.   In the beginning the drug did exactly what it was created for.  It improved my life in the exact way that the drug was created for.  I admit that even then there were side effects but they were actually very good but unexpected and from the doctor "Yes, that is a possible but a rare side effect."   As time wore on those positive effects turned into something else, in fact almost the opposite of how I reacted to the drug in the beginning.  It is possible that the change was due to the fact that my dose of the drug increased gradually over a several month period.   

I should probably explain the reason I was given the drug in the first place.  In 2020 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, much to my surprise.  The seizures I had are called Complex Partial Seizures.  At first I was given one of the standard drugs used to treat epilepsy and while it reduced the number of seizures it did not eliminate them all and it caused me to suffer mild depression.  Back to the doctor I went.  She and I had a conversation about the results I was getting and she then provided a prescription for a new drug and that one hit the jackpot.  It eliminated the seizures and at the same time it made me more energetic, enthusiastic, alert and upbeat.  I felt like I could concur the world. Suddenly I could sleep less and still not feel tired.  I became an early riser, something I had not been for a long time.  I didn't feel as if I needed a nap every afternoon.  

The drug came with a big warning, it had been identified as one that could come with some very dangerous side effects, the most serious being a deadly allergic reaction.  For that reason they start everyone with small doses while you remain on the first prescribed medicine and then the dose of the new drug is gradually increased over a six month period and once you are at the full dose you start decreasing the amount of the first drug. The reason for that step ladder type approach is to  make sure you don't show any allergy symptoms. 

So that brings us to today and the side effects I'm having now.  The very positive side effects I had 4, 5, and 6 months ago gradually went away at each of those minor increases in the dose.  Still I'm so happy that it has worked perfectly at preventing seizures.  When I went to the final step of the dose increase I quickly started feeling a rapid lessening of those good effects that I had felt in the beginning and then those effects turned around and went in the opposite direction.  

My moods changed.  I'm no expert on depression since I never really experienced it in the past other than as something very mild.  I honestly don't know if these feelings and some other  issues I have now would be classified as depression or something else entirely.  Some of the feelings are so new to me that I can't even describe them adequately.   One thing is that my emotions have changed in a big way. A very new feeling for me.  I can go from feeling quite "normal" to being in tears quite quickly at even a little bit of something that makes me sad.  

In my life before epilepsy there were, of course, things that would make me feel sad.  I'm  certain that's true for everyone and the reaction to such things or events comes on a sort of broad scale, in other words it was along way from happy to sad and then another long way from simply sad to tears. Now it seems the length of that scale is much shorter for me.  Nearly everything in the middle that was holding those two extremes apart is gone, I fear it's much like our politics today.  My dear wife has had to deal with depression several times in her life and I sure understand what she was going through much more clearly now than I did before.  I was certainly not as sympathetic as I needed to be.      

I believe this "thing" is caused in some way by the new medicine and not a direct result of only the epilepsy.  I believe that if it is simply a side effect of the drug then certainly the doctor can make adjustments in strength and fix this...whatever "this" is.  If if it is something that goes along with the condition I guess that might be much more difficult to fix. I hope to find answers to these and other questions at my next appointment in about 2 weeks.  

I know humans can actually benefit from some adversity and change.  We are good at adapting, otherwise our species would never have lasted as long as it has.  For me personally this side effect caused change is one that I'm fond of.  But I will adapt and carry on.